Hey. Well since no one ever reads this, I don't have anything to worry about and I can finally get this off of my chest. Well Lately I've been questioning my feelings for Taylor. Like I dunno if I even still like him. And to tell the truth, I'm kinda dreading him comin up to see me again, b/c I'm scared that my fears will be true. That I'll actually not like him anymore and that I"ll act funny around him and then I'll eventually have to break up with him. And I dunno why I'm startin to question my feelings for him, I mean there's no one else. But still. Well there's this guy Levi at work that likes me but I don't like him, and then there's this other guy at work, Michael, but I dunno if I like him or if it's just b/c he reminds me of one of my friends that I liked before Taylor and I got together and I still kinda like maybe. I dunno if I like my friend or not. But yea. I don't think that I like Mike, he's just fun to look at and he's funny and stuff. So yea. And I don't see the point in summer flings. So yea. I'd never date him. But still. I mean I dunno. It's weird. I just dunno if I like him still or not. Taylor by the way. So yea. And I dunno maybe it's just b/c he's goin off to college and stuff and I"m scared of bein hurt so I'm gonna hurt him instead. God I'm stupid. But still. I dunno. Or maybe it's b/c I'm scared of a comitment. I always have been. I dunno why but it seems like everytime that I get into a serious relationship w/ someone or there's that possibility of havin a serious relationship w/ someone, I always punk out or start to become a flirt to make the other person break up w/ me or I just do something stupid to ruin the relationship. God why am I so stupid?? I finally get what I want and now I don't want it anymore. And I feel like a total bitch b/c like Taylor's such a great guy and now I'm just gonna kill him. Well I dunno if I am or not for sure yet but there is that possibility. But I won't know for sure until like he comes up to visit me and then I'll see if there's still somethin there. God I hope that there is. I don't wanna have to break up with Taylor. I'd hate myself for that. I mean he's such a great guy any girl would be lucky to have him, but me. God I suck. And I think that part of the problem is that now that I'm workin and stuff like I've met new ppl and well they like drink and stuff and by that I mean that they drink and smoke cigs. They're all old enough to do that tho. And I kinda miss that. I miss goin out to parties and drinkin and just havin fun. I mean those where some of the funnest times ever. And with Taylor I know that I could never do anything like that. There's no way that he'd be up for anything like that or even like the thought of that. And I know that I'm stupid if it is b/c of that b/c that means that like I'm throwin away one of the greatest relationships that I could ever have for beer. Now that really is stupid. But I dunno if that's it or not. Another thing could be that Cy is always bringin up marriage. like with me and Taylor. And I'm only 17 I don't wanna be thinkin about gettin maried no matter who it's to. You know. I mean like I've said earlier, I'm scared of comitment and marriage well that's a huge commitment. So yea. I dunno. I just know that things aren't great between Taylor and me. Like usually when I e-mail him replies immediately, like at least before the next day and I e-mailed him yesterday and like he hasn't e-mailed me back yet. But I'm not like mad at him or anything I mean there's no way that I could be b/c like I mean I think that I waited at least 3 days before e-mailin him back but I was also busy with work and stuff. And I didn't get on the comp for that many days. But still it just makes me wonder. Although I'm sure that it's the same for him. So I dunno. W/e.  

Hey guys. Well I'm just updatin. ttyl. Love and Kisses.

P.S. I miss and love you all.